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December 3, 2007

Tilting the testosterone

by Otis

In December of 2004, G-Rob and I survived one long night on a Las Vegas diet of car bombs and cover stories. During one conversation that still haunts me to this day, I was a surgeon, G-Rob was a minor league pitcher, and the third member of the mind-meeting was a...buckaroo.

One of us wasn't lying.

That's the kind of thing that happens when you put a bunch of poker bloggers in the same city with a bunch of cowboys in town for the biggest rodeo of the year.

If you've been to Vegas during the National Finals Rodeo, you know that the oxygen bars change shingles for the weekend and start selling testosterone bong hits. It's the type of envorinment in which you hear phrases like, "Ten gallon hat? I've got your ten gallons right here, buddy." That the phrase means absolutely nothing means just as much.

Because G-Rob has decided to sit out this year's trip, Las Vegas city leaders had to figure out another way to make sure the testosterone level stayed at an acceptable level. Methinks Vegas went a bit overboard.

In the span of just a few days this weekend, Sin City will play host to:

Mayweather vs Hatton at the MGM Saturday night

UFC matches Saturday Night at the Palms

The National Finals Rodeo

WPBT Holiday Classic, Winter Gathering (or whatever we're calling it now)

I've actually received word that human growth hormone developers will be in town on research.

If you read this and plan to be in Vegas this weekend, you are likely planning on playing poker. For the female set, this should be exceedingly easy. Be yourself. Be a woah-man and use your sexuality for all it is worth. If you are a man, however, you stand little chance of trying to be more aggressive than the people you will meet at the tables. These are people who have come to Vegas for either a) seeing blood or b) trying to ride an animal that has something tied around its netherparts.

Thus, it's time to start re-tooling your table image. If you can't be more aggressive, you might as well hit your opponents where it hurts. Threaten their manhood with your enlightened view of the world. Here are a few helpful tips that will help you tip the testosterone tables back in your favor. (Some of these tips have been cribbed from a December 2004 Up For Poker post).

1) Engage every cowboy you find in a conversation about how they get their rodeo animals to buck. Pretend you don't understand and ask them to demonstrate on the dealer. Or better yet...ask them to demonstrate on you.

2) Find your PETA hat from your activist days and wear it everywhere you go.

3) Use phrases like, "That Mayweather is so dreamy. He knocks me out without ever throwing a punch."

4) When sitting at a cramped table, whisper to the cowboy next to you, "You know, I'm from Texas. You know what they say about Texas. You know, steers and queers? Well, buddy, I seem to have misplaced my horns."

5) When asked what you're listening to on your iPod, answer, "It's an audio book titled 'Pink Poker.' Have you read it? I just got to the chapter on what to do when a muscled-up UFC fan shows aggression. It says I should...lay down. But it doesn't say whether I should lay face up or face down. What do you think I should do?"

6) When playing poker with fans of any of the above sports, employ the "Point and Poke" upon winning a hand. Make sure your poke goes somewhere near your opponent's belly and follow it up with "Got you! I got you, baby boy!"

7) Use the word "marvelous!" every other sentence.

8) When beaten by an opponent, say, "Nice hand, sir. You know what would look even better on you? Jazz hands." Follow this up with a standing demonstration.

9) Midway through a hand with a fight fan, whisper, "I'm not implying anything, but if you are, I am very discrete."

10) In case of emergencies, use the following phrase. "Just read a new book. Said Waylon Jennings was gay. I think that is so refreshing."

*Disclaimer: None of the above should be tried without having at least five friends within punching distance.

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