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Poker Blog established in 2003 as the first stop for poker news, poker stories, and bad poker advice.

August 22, 2005

The Clone

by G-Rob

I was on the other side of the building, deep in one of those conversations that men only engage in after unhealthy libation. Most men will shun the doctor, barricade emotion, and put forth the cool facade, but somehow Southern Comfort has the same coercive chill as an hour with Dr. Phil. Yes, dear friend, I love you, too.

Only one thing could break our manly composure. Only one thing could shake us from our drunken faux-compassion. A visiting physician barreled around the corner, turned on the garden hose, and yelled, "You're late for the wet T-Shirt contest!"

Welcome to Bradoween V!

I Brought 3 Friends, A Banquet Table, and my "C" Game.

Actually we got there at noon, which was perhaps the most impressive accomplishment of the weekend. Friday night went just as scripted, except Al had me ruined before dinner and I don't remember much of the night. I've been told we made it downtown and finished all the SoCo at the bar... twice. My houseguests and I made it back to the pad by about 2AM and 80oz of water later, I was fast asleep.

I'm still not sure what the banquet table was for. I use it as a substitute for a real poker table, but Otis had those bases covered. So we strapped it, using 50 feet of rope, to the top of CJ's rented SUV and drove, slowly, to the party.


One of the most important parts of knowing Otis is the ability to anticipate stories that begin with, "Back when I lived on Juniper Circle...," and end with "...I woke up in the bathroom!"

If you've never heard one of those stories you have no context for the Mizzou Crew, and you've probably never heard Otis sing "ROCKETMAN" either, both of which count you among the blessed. Still, the crew is a blast.

Most of these guys travel cross country each year and nail every Bradoween. For most of the guys at this years event, they've now attended 5 straight. Poker blogger, JMC Automatic, is among the faithful. Normally, it's an insult to label people as "a group of degenerate drunkards," but I mean it this time with love. These people were already there when I arrived and most of them participated in the tournament. In fact, one of them knocked me out, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.


Otis really spared no expense and deserves great credit. He may be a self-loathing gambler with an alcohol-poker-rocketman addiction and, yes, he's a poor judge of gravity, but the man takes care of his friends.

Early last week he called to say he'd spent a small fortune on booze, and you could float a pontoon in the gallons of spirit. He'd composed a dozen plans for the perfect poker tourney, and arranged for the best tournament director in the South to take charge. Perhaps most importanly, he provided a large catered lunch. In my business, it's common knowledge that anything catered gets good press.

Even when the food ran low, or when it was discovered we'd need another ingrediant for BG's sissy umbrella booze, or when we discovered a critical lack of DRUNK OLYMPICS CHEESEBALLS, Otis was prepared to shop for more. He was willing to leave the house in the middle of his own tournament for the comfort of his guests.

He had plenty of time. He finished 43rd out of 43. Dead Last. I went to the store with him because I'm a very good friend. I love Otis. I cashed in my tournament chips to go along for the ride.

I came in 41st.

THE TOURNAMENT...Hours 1 and 2

Otis and I hit the K-Mart on Wade Hampton. It's one of the few left around here after the bankrupcy shut down everything but the blue light itself. We came here for box fans and the aforementioned cheese balls. After a fruitless rummage for the canister of psedu-dairy air we had to ask for help in finding a fan.

We were directed to housewares.

Then sent to hardware.

Then sent to a display at the front of the store where everything was already sold out.

The woman at the customer service station says they're out of fans... in August... in South Carolina... because they're out of season. We later found them at WalMart along with what I thought was a fantastic treat. That would be one of the least comfortable puchases I ever made.

By the way, WalMart doesn't sell cheese balls either.

Neither does the Publix grocery store.

I realize this seems trivial, but this was about to spell big trouble for our friend and Otis' teammate... Big Mike.


Back at the big game there were other busted names, many of whom were good enough to win. By the time the superbly talented tournament director had also busted out. So had Foxy Maudie, Hotty Heather, Gorgeous Gracie, and um... the Mark. Luckily for all of us (read: suckout capable me!), they had bigger aspirations, a popsensity for booze... and an interest in ring games.

While Eva Can't Hang mixed potent LITs for every loser, we set up a table in the kitchen. $60 buy-in and blinds at a relatively affordable .25/.50.

Notable hands :

1) I'm in the SB and Maudue is BB.
I limp in and Maudie raises to $4.
I turn to Maudie and say, "I'm about to suck out on you," and then call with Q-8 of Spades.
The flop is 4-7-9 with two spades so I check and Maudie bets out.
Trouble is the chip denominations have everyone confused (I'd bet $1.25 meaning to bet $6 earlier) and she drastically underbet the pot. I called.
Turn gives me the flush and I bet small.
Maudie raises..and I push.
Maudie's set of 4s does not improve.

2) 3 players are in the pot after I raise in MP to $2 with A-10 Diamonds.
The flop is all low cards with 2 diamonds.
I check and BadBlood bets $8.
Heather raises to $16
BadBlood and I both call.
The turn is an Ace and I bet out $15.
BadBlood calls and Heather raises all in.
We both call.
River is a diamond and I push all in for a side pot which BadBlood calls.

BadBlood has K-J of diamonds for the King high flush.
Heather has a diamond flush with a str8 flush draw.
G-Rob has the nuts.



Let's just skip to the final table shall we. It's the main event, the part we all came to see. Actually very few of us came here to play poker, but this is the best of it and it certainly deserves a telling.

10 players remained and 5 were Palmetto proud (This is a South Carolina expression meaning they're homeboys). In fact, 40% of the final table was comprised of members of the Smith family. I've tried all afternoon to think of any event where a single family has shown so much dominance and the closest I can come up with is the Corleones.

The entire table looked like this :

Double As
Dr. Pauly
Wes Nile Virus
Shep Tiltstein
Team Scott Smith
Debbie Smith
The Wolverine (also a Smith)
Uncle Brian (who knocked me out)
Honorary Feature Table bubble and 11th place finisher = Al Can't Hang

At the start DoubleAs held a massive chip advantage and Daddy was close behind. The Wolverine cut into both stacks with some very crafty plays. Then shortly after Uncle Brian (Stupid pocket Kings) busted out we had the hand of the century....******* For Much Greater Detail on this hand you must read the END of this post a future post [ed's correction], but here's the short version:

Only two players, Daddy and The Wolverine see the flop :

It's A-7-7.

The turn is a rag.

The river is a 7.

Daddy bets the river and The Wolverine pushes all in. Daddy says, "You have quads don't you?" Then he lays down, FOLDS, pocket aces.

The Wolverine shows the hammer, Quad 7s.


Meanwhile, the party was rockin' outside. Four pretty girls dressed, oddly, as Hooter's girls arrived. They brought dozens of their closest friends. My buddy Ted and his parents arrived and his mother who has very nice Hooters herself begged me to touch the muscles of her thigh. She'd been working out and, while I was uncomfortable, I hate to be rude.

Eva'd made me another LIT and a coupla carbombs too. I'd started tinkering with SoCo and had a head full of beer. After the previous night, it was easy to get the stupid flowing. Dr. Jeff calls it the "shampoo effect".


You know how when you lather your hair and then rinse, you get a pretty mild lather of bubbles on the hair.


If you follow the directions and actually REPEAT the process you almost instantly get a full head of giant bubbles. The previous wash made the second one quicker.

Likewise, if you still feel last night's booze, today's is coming FAST.

Friends my buzz was moving like my Head and Shoulders and Al Can't Hang is a lousy conditioner. Therefore, I'm a bit sketchy on the EXACT tournament details but I can tell what I remember. Most of my memories begin at the DRUNK OLYMPICS...



Pauly beat Wes (The Big Pirate). They chopped the pot and then had one had to determine a champion. It was Pauly.

Within moments the gospel spread and the great game was over. Millions of devout Pauly fans shed tears of joy, millions of pirates returned to their jobs at Capital One. Better still, the DRUNK OLYMPICS were ready to begin.

Otis, Al and I dragged a PA system with two speakers to the upper corner of the driveway, Otis plugged it in, and said, "Hello" to the crowd. They were all there by then, and even the Hooters girls perked up.

CJ and BG were the referees.

Otis and I were team captains.


As team captains Otis and I would pick two teams of degenerate drunkards. We'd compete in 5 individual events and several more team games.


The captains shotgun a beer for first pick. Winner gets first pick, loser gets to choose the name "Team Good" or "Team Evil".

Otis cheated at this event by starting the countdown before I had crushed a proper carb in the bottom of the can. Then I couldn't get the damn can open. I lost the pick and went with the silly and inappropriate monniker "Team Good."


For reasons you'll read in just a bit, Badblood the artificially lumpy was the obvious first pick. Even Otis is not immune to the obvious, sometimes, and he made that selection.

Then my pick, a head scratcher for the less insightful.

In one of the comments left here during Bradoween preparations LEFTY showed an interest in an event so disgusting and distastful I was willing to forfeit the whole damn thing. If LEFTY was willing to do it, much less win it, he was on my team guaranteed. I had no idea how strong a teammate he'd turn out to be.

Otis picks Big Mike.

Now blessed with the relative impunity of picking people that were truly good and decent, I selected ALCAN'THANG. My thinking was, even if we lose I'll assemble a team that won't puke on the yard. I guessed wrong. Again.

Otis picks his brother, Dr. Jeff.

I'm now building a team of ultimate blogger superstars with the pick of DR. PAULY. By this point the name "Team Good" is the funniest joke of the night.

Otis picks Marty Automatic

I already had Dr. Pauly and now I had his brother. This would be the most sophisticated pick of the draft. DEREK MCGRUPP is the consumate team player and his pure sacrifice in event 2 was pure class.

Otis picks his team alternate and plans to cheat again later by drafting Daddy

My team would now be complete with the drafting of our alternate... BONUS CODE IGGY. Unfortunately, we couldn't find him. He showed up just in time for the final, dagger twisting, Otis cheat.


TEAM GOOD met just near the front lawn for our first team meeting. We had a list of events and a good sense of our strength. A loss was virtually inconceivable barring something truly EVIL.


Me vs. Marty Automatic.

It's rock, paper, scissors and I'm a dominant force. I really like and respect Mr. Automatic but his AAA St. Louis game can't deal with a big league ROSHAMBO champ. I win the event 3-1 with a clutch display of "scissors cuts paper." It was a brilliant read. And Matry has a tell.

Marty took a penalty double shot of SoCo


Derek McGrupp vs. BadBlood

The highlight here was the entry. All grew silent as the PA boomed with the introductoin of BadBlood, backed with his own entry music... which sucked.

I think it was SLAYER.

Derek took his shot like a man.


Al Can't Hang vs. Dr. Jeff

Al and I INVENTED this event. During our suprise visit to Nassau in January we grew bored while waiting for a seat at the NL tables. To kill time we started a prob bet: cash for a sucessful toss of a half-empty bottle into the trash.

Two bets changed hands before OTHER players around the poker room asked to buy in. Then the Bahamian GAMING COMISSION stepped in and shut the game down.

For Bradoween, Al was a prohibitive favorite. Unforunately Dr. Jeff found an unholy gust of wind shot from the depths of hell, and Al's shot blew long. Jeff sank his shot and team good is trailing.

Al doesn't consider the shot a penalty.

4.) Trash Ball

Dr. Pauly vs. Otis

Otis cheats.

Pauly takes his shot like a champ.

5.) Cheese Mania!

First Round Lefty vs. Big Mike

You may recall, 27K words ago, our fruitless search for cheeseballs. This was about to provide a Monty Python moment.

One year ago, at Bradoween 4, there was only one STUPID event. Two teams of 4 raced to devour an entire jumbo tub of Sam's Club cheese balls. It was revolting and hilarious. Still, it took so long to eat that much processed nastiness that the event cound NEVER be repeated. Or so we thought.

We'd planned to use small cannisters of cheese balls for each contestant but as we've said, they don't exist. So instead GIANT bags of CHEESE CURLS were brought in, one for each player. Remember folks, LEFTY wanted to do this and apparantly he'd done his research. He had two bottles of cool water preopened and positioned carefully next to his bag. He had a slow methodical eating method. He had guts.

Big Mike on the other hand...

The only request Al made before the event, "don't make me or big mike do the cheeseballs."

Well, if you've seen Monty Python's "Meaning of life"... we were all concerned Mike was a thin mint away from an explosive expulsion.

Lefty wins. [Ed. note: 7 1/2 minutes.]

Big Mike does not feel penalized by the shot, even as a cheese curl chaser, which is totally nasty.

6.) Team Roshambo

Team Good sweeps. We rule this event.

Team Evil fails to cheat and they all take a shot.

7.) Caps

Al and Dr. Pauly vs. Otis and Marty

Otis cheats and Team Good Happily takes a shot

8.) Flip cup.

Otis urges Daddy to cheat and Iggy shows up. At the wrong time.

We drink more shots.


I did not witness the wet t-shirt contest. Any pictures of me at such an event are either forged, or they feature my clone. I hear there are several.




I had knee surgery this morning and the doc has me bumped up on Narcotics.
I can't focus enough to finish this tonight.

I'll do so later.

Let me just say...

People make life worth living. You people are helping me live a wonderful life.


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