I'm doing better these days. It's universally true, I think, that the people who appear to have great ego are often in desparate need. I like to boast. Like most, there is usually an inverse correlation between boasting and self-esteem.
Yes, I'm sounding like Dr. Phil today.
No, I don't intend to write a whole damn blog about it.
Instead, I've made some changes to my poker regimen that have made me happy...not winning streak happy.
I got a cat from the local shelter. I named him "Steve", after the actor who most represents my poker play. He's laid back, and while I don't usually care for cats, this one makes me happy.
I found this song on the web, and tried to find a way to send it to Wil. In Vegas, I tried to help him lose a bet by whispering hints about it to other passengers. I believe they ignored me.
Last night, I sat down to play poker. I loaded up Stars, then closed it out. I pulled up Full Tilt, then shut it down too. I was too tired to play good poker and had the good sense NOT to play. I'm proud of that.
Tonight Frankleberry is hosting a game and, while I haven't played live since last Thursday, I still haven't decided to play. I may not play tomorrow either. The urge isn't that strong. Poker is still a passion but I've finally moved past the NEED to play.
For more than a year, I've described myself here as the "worst poker player alive", knowing damn well it wasn't true. In fact, I probably hoped the false modesty would make me APPEAR an even better player than I am. I've given that up too. I'm not horrible....but I'm not very good either. I think I've made peace with that.
WHERE I'VE BEEN
I've gone to great lengths to describe my style of play. I think I went to far...I'm just loose aggressive.
I've had an eagle eye for lousy play. Honestly, and it pains me to make this reference, I've been blinded by the mote in my own eye. Why is it I know when someone else is playing badly but can't control my own lousy moves? I still don't know. But for most of my poker career, I've made the decision to focus most of my attention at the table on the players I consider "best". I now realize that does little good if EVERYONE there is at LEAST as good as me.
I sometimes play scared. I've built enough of a live game bankroll to withstand a few bad swings, but sometimes, after taking a few tough beats, I stop playing good poker. This is PokerABC folks, and I'm still not past it.
I thought I was bored with our regular Thursday game and I posted something to that effect here. I'm not sure that's really it anymore. I think I'm frustrated by my limitations. I can't move past this damn plateau. I improved so much in the first few years of play....I can't say I've gotten any better in months. I can only blame myself, and I'm not sure what to do.
Last night CJ pointed out my absence from this site. It's been awhile since I've posted. I had nothing, really, to say. I've been in a pretty nasty funk and even my friends here have grown annoyed. I didn't want to pass it on to you.
Now, obviously, I'm back.
Part of my own self-change comes from the bloggers I admire. Several have had some REAL problems to handle. Mine seem small in comparison.
I have it pretty good.
When I read Joe's troubles, I called my wife.
When I read about Falstaff's painful post, I called my parents.
When I read the news at PotCommitted, I stopped whining about my job.
I have it very good.
So, I plan to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. Perhaps that will fix my recent run at poker. I've been playing like shit. Some bad beats, even more lousy play.
I remember that I play poker because its fun, and because I enjoy the company of the other players. I enjoy looking at poker's puzzles in the abstract.
Christ this post makes me seem pretty pathetic.
But I'm better now and can enjoy poker again.
I thank poker BLOGGERS for that.