Hello from here

by G-Rob

It's been a very long time, dear reader, and I'm sorry for that. I've half-written and then discarded a dozen or so posts in the past few weeks. I've tried to craft something smart or pithy or, at least, legible. Frankly, it's been a chore. I'm in a pretty nasty funk these days. I'm not stuck in the poker sense but I'm stuck nonetheless.

C'est la vie.

THIS ISN'T A WHINE PER SE

God knows I've got it good. I'm still playing poker with friends. I still have friends. That's a real plus. I still do decent work at my job. I still cling to that. It's odd how hard it is to focus on the wonders of life when things seem so... grey.

In the last year my dad had a stroke, my wife a miscarriage, my dog died, and now my wife's lost her job. My employer is having a pretty rough stretch too, it seems people aren't loving us like they used to. Someone will have to pay for that and I just hope it's not me.

I'm still playing poker, and enjoying it most of the time, but it's been hard to write about it much.

WINNING

Typical of these other problems, I've been winning, generally, in poker. I post more winning sessions than losing ones. Sometimes I win pretty big. Otis, theMark, and I have this silly yearlong side bet: Which of us, in games we all sit at together, will finish the year the biggest winner? After just 3 such sessions, I'm winning by a little.

But I'm playing like shit. And I know it.

Sometimes after one of those losing sessions, I can't shake the feeling that I DESERVED to lose. Like it's the end of an unusually long string of variance curves and the TRUTH is about to emerge.

We all have a very tenuous grip on life and poker is a reflection of that. Nobody wins forever.

C'est la vie.

CHRIST THIS IS A BUMMER TO WRITE AND READ...

And the truth is I'm not as down as this makes me seem. I'm just a little confused. I think what I need much more than another poker night with the guys is probably a good night of bars and booze with friends. I just want to be with friends.

The truth is my dad is doing just great and we're going to the SEC Basketball tournament this week. It'll be fun, even though our team (Kentucky) suddenly sucks. My wife, now unemployed, has had more time to just sit with me and chat or watch TV or just hang out and that has been a gift. We got a new puppy too, but that's been a bit of a hassle. Plus, I'm still under contract at work, which is nice.

Perhaps the problem is the lack of traction. My career isn't advancing and I'm no better at poker. I don't have any wisdom to share. I don't have feeling to bare. I don't know what I feel.

That's why I haven't posted here much. But, now that I think about it, perhaps posting here helps.

We shall see.

Perhaps the next long post I write might make it past "delete."

| G-Rob's Thoughts